Curiosity

I have, since forever, it seems, noticed how much time I waste, but not as I'm wasting it. I've been aware that occasionally I get wrapped up in my addictive cycles which just burn time like crazy (fascination, avoidance rituals, indulgence, despair). Yet I periodically become aware that I have done nothing towards either achieving my goals or even decent daily maintenance, and am surprised, and doubly surprised as I know I have not taken a whirl on my baby-blue merry-go-round. Does this mean I've got a new addiction I haven't noticed before? If so, what is it?

A post by Gil Bailie at Reflections on Faith and Culture kind of woke me up. When I was in the CRICs, when custody of the eyes was discussed, I always interpreted that as "don't be watching the gorgeous cuties with your tongue hanging out." Withdraw tongue, close mouth, look elsewhere, think about bicycle chains or pine trees or sandstone or a text of Scripture or ANYTHING else. Eventually it got better, but the underlying tendency to be involuntarily captured at unexpected and awkward moments by the sudden and piercing awareness of feminine pulchritude has never really gone away, though it is thankfully much less frequent now and more easily dealt with (a topic for another day).

The root of sin, I have often said, is lodged in the wounds of the human heart, and all human hearts are wounded, forced as we all are to live in an imperfect world. I have found that as my heart is healed, not only does my propensity to sin decrease (or at least the kinds of sins that were the despair of my youth), but I find deeper wounds and a correspondingly deeper sin. All sin, is I think, an ineffective anesthetic, it promises to cure the pain, but in the end it only makes it worse.

So, what is going on here, why, and what to do about it?

I offer these few notes to help keep me honest and draw me back into the question when I'd rather be haring off after some other distraction.